Situation 1
Wardah, a clerk who is very well liked by her colleagues. She often helps them with various tasks although they were not her job. This stresses her because she has to work overtime most days since she is unable to complete her own job.

Situation 2
Ainol worries that if he refuses Karim’s request to borrow money, their friendship will be affected.
There are various reasons why it is difficult to say “no” without feeling guilty for displeasing others. Among them, we might feel bound by duty, culture, background or fear of hurting the feelings of others. Saying ‘No’ wrongly, can also destroy relationships by alienating and angering people. That’s why saying No the right way is crucial. The secret to say no to such situations is to be assertive as described belows:

1. Self-Assertiveness

Assertive is the ability to express positive or negative thoughts and feelings clearly and honestly. We are assertive if we were able to say “no”, able to ask for help and able to express our rights, thoughts, feelings, and beliefs respectfully and do not harm or interfere with the rights of others.
Assertive individuals can make a decision firmly without being influenced by others. Thus, individuals who are assertive in life no matter at work or at home will have a high level of life satisfaction. For example, if an employee is practicing assertive behavior at work he will be more interested and enthusiastic at work. Self-assertiveness makes you happy with yourself and people will respect you.

2. Knowing Yourself

Do you know your level of assertiveness? Please answer Yes / No to these statements:

If your answer is ‘Yes’ to all or more than half of the above, means you have already started practicing assertiveness skills in your daily life. If the answer is mostly ‘No’, let’s learn assertive skills together.

3. Characteristics of an Assertive Individual

Assertive individuals have the following characteristics:
• Firm and honest
• Ability to differentiate positive and negative effects of an action against him and others,
• Not susceptible to external influences
• Have self-dignity and self-confidence
• Rational and mature
• Dare to say no to negative invitations and actions.

4. Tips to Say ‘No’ Assertively

Assertiveness does not exist naturally in a person. It is a skill that can be learned and practiced. It sounds simple, but to say “no” without guilt was not easy especially to those very close to us. However, saying “no” is still better than spending time and energy by something we do not like. Here are tips for saying no assertively:

• Believe that you are responsible for yourself. Take responsibility for saying “no”. Do not ask others to do it for you.
• Identify the rights, needs, requirements and how you felt.
• Ask for more time. You can say “I’ll tell you later” if you are not sure, and ask or look for more information before making a decision.
• Believe you have the right to say ‘no’ if you do not like that situation.
• Make sure the recipient know that you understand his/ her request
• Start your response with a clear ‘No’. Example: “No, I don’t smoke” or “I’m sorry I do not smoke”, if friends ask you to smoke or offer you a cigarette.
• No need to justify or give excuses. Make sure to give a clear answer so as not to create ambiguity
• Avoid using ‘you’ because it may sound like the receiver is being blamed or accused. Statement such as “You make me angry” will make the recipient feel “defensive”. Use the word ‘I’ such as “I feel angry when you say that. I hope you will not say that again.”
• Usually in solving conflict, assertive individual practice the attitude of give and take. For example, “I believe that… what about you?”, “I prefer it this way ….” or “Let’s think together to solve this problem?”
• Examples of statement to say “no” firmly:
  – “Thanks for inviting me, but I am unable to attend”
  – “I’m sorry I will not join you at the Cyber Cafe.”
• Remember that you say ‘no’ to a request, not reject or exclude someone.

5. The difference between aggressive, assertive and passive.

Source: Google

Passive, assertive and aggressive are the usual responses when faced with a situation that is uncomfortable or unwelcomed. The following table shows the differences between these three behaviors :

6. The benefit of Saying “No” Assertively

Saying ‘No’ assertively can help: Foster positive interpersonal relationships. Reduce misunderstandings between people. Increase effective communication Reduce stress in life and relationships Foster collaboration and teamwork Individuals become more focused and productive Protect ourselves from negative people and situation. Reduce energy waste in situations where resources are limited.

In today’s era of limitless choices and borderless world, the presence of negative social influences such as drugs, pornography and gambling are vast. Thus, we need to be smart and brave to say ‘No’ assertively to protect ourselves from stress of overworking and negative social challenges. Enhance our lives by saying ‘Yes’ to our own needs, values, and priorities. Say ‘No” wisely to protect ourselves and to stand up for everything and everyone that matters to us.

References

1. Maimunah Osman. (2000). Komunikasi Berkesan: Hubungan Interpersonal. Kuala Lumpur: Institut Tadbiran Awam Negara (INTAN).
2. Noraini Ahmad. (2001). Asertif dan Komunikasi. Cheras, Kuala Lumpur: Utusan Publications & Distributors Sdn Bhd.
3. Rohana Hamzah & Fadillah Ismail.(2008). Asertif. Retrieved fromhttp://www.penerbit.utm.my/bookchapterdoc/FPPSM/bookchapter_fppsm14.pdf
4. Ury, William. (2007). The Power of a Positive No: Save The Deal Save The Relationship and Still Say No. New York: Bantam Dell.